Vampires pose a great threat to civilized society, the likes of which is rivaled only by the Commies. Fortunately, with a little bit of knowledge and common sense, you can protect yourself from the powers of darkness.
As long as there have been campfires, there have been vampires. However, the term vampire didn't come into use until the late 1700s. And our modern image of the vampire as a creepy sex symbol came from a novel by John Polidori, The Vampyre, published in 1819. It was actually a product of the same storytelling contest that gave us Frankenstein.
But don't be fooled by this dangerous misconception. According to older sources, vampires don't really look like the glamorous creatures they WANT you to picture. They are bloated and purplish. They are usually still wearing their burial shrouds. They are pretty clearly undead, and definitely not sexy.
How does one become a vampire?
-If an animal jumps over your corpse
-If your body has a wound not treated with boiling water
-If you are a witch or a heretic
If you want your dearly departed loved ones to stay departed:
-Bury them upside down or with a scythe
-Sever the tendons in their knees. That way, they might be undead, but at least you can outrun them.
-Sprinkle sand, poppy seeds, or rice on the grave. The vampire will immediately become like The Count, and will feel compelled to count every single grain before he goes out to suck blood.
How do I identify the presence of a vampire without actually seeing it? Glad you asked.
-Find a boy who is a virgin, and lead him to the graveyard. He will be able to find them.
-If none of your male friends are virgins, find a black or white horse. They are said to have the same ability.
-If a grave caves in, a vampire is buried there.
-If your cattle, friends, or relatives start dying
How do I protect myself?
-Garlic
-Holy water, crucifix, etc.
-Wild roses
-They cannot set foot on consecrated ground
-Can't cross running water
-Don't have reflections or shadows, because they don't have souls
-They can't come into your house unless you invite them. But once you do, they can come and go as they please.
-WARNING! SUNLIGHT DOES NOT CAUSE VAMPIRES TO BURST INTO FLAMES
How do I kill a vampire, should I meet one?
-Wooden stake through the heart (or mouth or stomach)
-Poke a hole in their chest
-Cut off their heads
-Stake them to the ground with needles
-Put hawthorn in their socks
-Put a brick in their mouth
-Pour boiling water on them, or incinerate them
-Shoot them or drown them
-Lemon or garlic in the mouth
-As a last resort, you can always dismember the body, burn the pieces, mix some with water, and drink up. Cheers!
Funny as it seems now, people invented vampires as an explanation for the complex and troubling process of decomposition. If you're squeamish (though if you made it this far, I seriously doubt you are), stop reading now. I'm about to get technical.
When a body decomposes, the gases cause the body to swell. The pressure causes blood to come from the nose and mouth. (People long ago equated this blood with pigging out on human flesh, however.) People who were pale in life appear red-faced in death. Coupled with the bloating, they looked healthier as a corpse than they did when they were alive. That doesn't say much for our ancestors' standard of living, if you ask me.
Staking a vampire is like popping a balloon. It deflates the corpse by expelling the gases. The gas causes a groaning sound over the vocal cords, and, for lack of a better word, a farting sound. Two obvious signs that someone has just enjoyed a delicious meal. Also, as your skin shrinks, your hair, nails, and teeth appear to grow, further strengthening the whole undead case.
The fear of being buried alive also gave rise to fears of vampirism. Not that people today aren't afraid of being buried alive, it's just less likely to happen today than it was in previous centuries. People would hear noises coming from graves, and when they investigated, they would find (allegedly) scratch marks on the inside of the coffins. However, noises can be explained by the decomposition process, and a damaged tomb can be chalked up to grave robbers.
In times of epidemic, people often turned to vampires as an explanation. Some diseases, such as tuberculosis and the pneumonic strain of bubonic plague cause the lung tissue to break down, giving the sufferer bloody lips, even after death. Widespread misunderstanding of the nature of diseases like porphyria and rabies led victims to be labeled as vampires.
So, dear friends, next time you meet a purple-tinged chubby person, with blood on his or her face, and who's wrapped in a burial shroud, you know how to handle it. Run.
Goodnight, friends.
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