The Coolest Pirates Ever

Today, I'd like to introduce two of the coolest pirates ever. (I'll give you a hint, these pirates have boobs.) Meet Anne Bonny and Mary Read!


Anne was born between 1695 and 1702 in Kinsale, Ireland. Her father was William Cormac, a wealthy attorney. Her mother was Mary, the family maid. Obviously, this was a problem. William separated from his wife for awhile and Anne was raised as a boy and passed off as William's nephew, until people figured it out. The ensuing scandal ruined William's law practice, so they all packed up and moved to Charleston, SC.


Things were rough for the Cormac family at first. His wife died soon after arrival in America. William's law practice did not do well, so he joined the merchant business, made a fortune, and built a large plantation.


Anne was a hot redhead, but totally reinforced the "redheads have bad tempers" stereotype. When she was thirteen she supposedly stabbed a servant girl in the stomach with a kitchen knife. She married a broke sailor and part-time pirate named James Bonny. James hoped to be welcomed into the family and be named heir to William's plantation. But that didn't happen; William disowned his daughter. It was rumored that in retaliation, she burned the plantation. But that was never proven. That is, we know the plantation burned, we just don't know that she did it.


She and James moved to Nassau sometime between 1714 and '18; at the time, Nassau was a haven for pirates. James worked as an informant for the governor, snitching on pirates. Anne started hanging out at bars with pirates. Obviously, there was some friction in the marriage at this point.

One of Anne's drinking buddies was "Calico Jack" Rackham, captain of the pirate sloop "Revenge." She fell in love with his pirate-ness and they started having an affair. James took her to court and insisted she be flogged for adultery; to prevent this, Jack offered to buy her in what was called a "divorce by purchase." But Anne said she would not be "bought and sold like cattle." She took the flogging, then she and Jack escaped to live as pirates. Together with Mary Read, they stole the Revenge and recruited a new crew. For awhile, they did really well as pirates and made tons of money. Though it makes a great story, neither Anne nor Mary dressed as guys. Everybody knew they were women, but they fought alongside the men and were well-respected as good pirates.


But of course, the good times couldn't last. In October 1720, they were attacked by a "King's ship," basically a legal pirate ship. Most of the crew of the Revenge were drunk out of their minds, so just Anne, Mary, and one unknown man were left to fight off a whole ship of guys. They actually held them off for awhile, but eventually they were captured and all were sentenced to hang. Anne and Mary both "pleaded their bellies" and were granted a stay of execution until they gave birth. Captain Jack, Anne's lover was executed. Anne's last words to him were amazing unsentimental, "I'm sorry to see you there, but if you had fought like a man, you need not have been hanged like a dog."


Anne got lucky; her father managed to bail his wayward daughter out of jail and she returned to Charleston. There, she gave birth to Jack's second child, then in 1721 married married a local man, Joseph Burleigh. She became respectable, had ten children with Joseph, and lived until 1782 and the ripe old age of eighty. By the way, note that Anne's pirate career ended when she was approximately my age, nineteen.


Mary Read had a came into piracy in a very different way. She was born in England in the 1690s, the illegitimate daughter of a sea captain and his widow. Mary's mother disguised her as a boy after her older legitimate brother died, in order to continue getting financial support from her mother-in-law. Amazingly, this actually worked.


Mary found drag useful and worked as a footman, then on a ship. However, she found that seafaring was not for her, and  jumped ship. She joined the British military and proved herself in combat during either the Nine Years War or the War of Spanish Succession. She fell in love with a Flemish soldier and Mary dressed as a woman for the first time ever at her wedding. 


When their story came out, their comrades were intrigued and the couple received enough gifts of money to open an inn called The Three Horseshoes in the Netherlands. Sadly, her husband died young, so Mary again donned pants and served in the Dutch army. However, during peacetime, there was no room for real advancement, so she soon quit and boarded a ship to the West Indies. Her ship was boarded by pirates, and she was forced to join them. But she received a "king's pardon" and became a privateer until she led the crew in mutiny.


After that, she joined Calico Jack and Anne Bonny on the Revenge. That was kind of awkward at first; they didn't know Mary was a woman. Anne had a crush Mary's male identity, so she had to tell Anne her secret. After that, they became close friends, which made Jack really jealous. He threatened to slit Mary's throat, so they let him in on the secret too. Jack decided to break tradition and let her stay on board too, and thus had the only pirate ship that wasn't a total sausage fest. 


Mary stayed in drag for awhile after this, though she took a secret liking to the ship's carpenter who had no experience as a pirate. The young man managed to piss off a veteran pirate and was honor-bound to fight a duel with him. Mary knew this was a death sentence for someone so inexperienced, so she purposely picked a fight with the old pirate and agreed to duel him an hour before the carpenter. She won the duel and killed the pirate, thus saving the young man's life.


Eventually, Mary also revealed her true identity to the crew. She and Anne wore drag while fighting, but dressed as women the rest of the time. Mary married the young carpenter and was pregnant with his child when the crew was captured. She, like Anne, was granted a stay of execution because she was pregnant. Unfortunately, Mary died in prison, either of a fever or in childbirth. There is no record of what happened to the baby.


So, dear readers, I conclude with the following question: Why has no one ever made a movie about these two? Because it would be awesome.